Innocence Twice Torn
by PixieGirl17
Summary: Sequel to 'Mostly Rock and Roll'. The first story dealt with the confrontation to her past and now this one deals more with the dealing with it.


**Disclaimer: **I do not own Kingdom Hearts and I do not own the poem (which the title is quoted from) 'The Rape of the Virgin' by Nyree M Burt

**A/S: **I first want to apologise for the misspelling of Xigbar in the sequel to this story. I read a lot of poems about the experiences of people being raped as Larxene was which was the inspiration for this story. The title of this is actually from an opening line from one of them so if the writer is out there somewhere I'm sorry for stealing the line and I don't own the poem he or she does since it was submitted from a unofficial writer so I can't say who although the name does say Nyree N Burt hence the copyright acknowledgement next to the exclaimer.

**Innocence Twice Torn**

For **magonliastar08**

"It was the Gardener." Meg began. "My parents sent me to a boarding school, just because they didn't know what to do with a kid and were willing to send me to some other people to bring me up, ready for adulthood when they would be able to handle my company. At the school there was a gardener. Bad breath. Huge beard and he would be so aggressive when he was weeding the garden and now that I think about it there was always something off about him."

Cindy narrowed her eyes. "What do you mean?"

"It was the just the way that he looked at you...Well, of course there was but...I always knew. One night me and my friends snuck out to go to this bar and there was a guy that asked for my number..."

All the other girls smiling knowing that everyone there was wishing for such a chance. To be like other girls, to be desired, to be wanted, for boys to look across the room and know there was nothing wrong with them or no one had tried to hurt them. Somehow, people were just able to know that something had happened to them.

"But on the way back I bumped into him. He was asking me what I was doing and finally I gave in after trying to run off some late library studying story. He kept saying to me 'You've been a bad girl' and there was only one way to deal with them and..."

Like so many others before her she was unable to say it. No one could say it out loud. It was the first step to actually accepting what had happened to them but sometimes it was just too hard to even say the word. All that was needed was that small or long pause to fill the blank space in between the attempt of saying it and whatever was to follow after it.

"I went to the nurse the next morning and she said this wasn't the first time...I then asked why he was kept around and it was because he came from a rich family and he always had mental problems. Eventually my aunt who was closer to me than my parents came to pick me up and...I haven't seen them in a while but then again they weren't willing to come get me...Even when I told them the truth. I...I suppose that's all I have to say about that."

Larxene wondered whether this was the moment when they were all going to clap, like in the movies and felt bile rise in her stomach. She was really hoping it wasn't those kind of sessions. Marlene gave the impression that it wasn't at all but she hated it when people started crying and she knew there was a high chance of that happening at some point. There was always a crier amongst the damaged. She didn't even want to come to this damn session. Her therapist, Marlene (the other therapist) told her that it would be good for her. Larxene knew then and there that this was something she was always going to regret agreeing to but she knew what would happen if she wanted to do otherwise. It would be a way of being reassured that she wasn't the only person in the world who had suffered from this. All these people had been raped by other people though. None of them had been raped by their Dads. She didn't want to play the 'who-has-it-worse' game but she did

feel like it was a punch in the face when she heard all these girls talking about their experiences and the pain that they felt. They were entitled as much as she was to cry and be upset about what had happened to them as much as she did but she couldn't help but wonder how this was supposed to help her.

"Thank you, Meg. That was really good." Said the therapist leading the session. Larxene couldn't remember if her name was Sally or Joan. "Who wants to go next? Maybe someone new."

Larxene instantly cast her eyes to the ground but she didn't know that this was the easiest way for her to get noticed.

"Larxene. What about you?"

She shook her head. "I'd rather not..."

Sally or Joan tilted her head. "It would be good for you."

She sighed deeply knowing that there was no way of her getting out this and was going to get back at Marlene somehow for getting her into this mess. Larxene hesitated and cast her eyes to the ground. She placed her little finger between her teeth and bit on it, her face screwed in concentration.

"I suppose...I suppose I just feel like the rest of you as a victim. I mean, we all are really to someone's sick ideals. It continually happened to me because...Well it was my father and I was around eight to twelve when this was happened and if anything I feel...tainted. Ruined more than most girls probably feel after their first time. And I'm not saying any of you are less worse off than I am it just...I feel like I was drawn into his sick perversions. Like it was my fault, that there was and is something wrong with me otherwise why would he do it?"

Jasmine nodded. "I know what you mean. It was the same thing with my uncle. He just kept on doing it when my Dad went to work and he thought he was just baby-sitting me when it was good cover for..."

The pained look on her face told everyone that she was struggling to say it aloud but when she looked up at everyone's sympathetic faces she knew she didn't have to and remained silent. Larxene looked around and saw that everyone wanted her continue since they knew she hadn't completely finished talking and strangely enough, she felt fine with amusing them.

"I almost think that no one's going to want me because of what happened. It's like I've already been marked. I feel like a joint-conspirator to his little dark secret. I can't help but feel like I should have done more to stop him."

~ (***) ~

She stared into the dark as she tried to sleep. She had many nights like this now. She didn't know whether it was something to do with the transition period. She wasn't sure whether it was finally those thoughts that she stuck in the back of her mind in the hope being able to run away from them was finally catching up with her. After all she had stopped running from that now. By admitting to what had happened she had more or less just...stopped. She just felt like an empty void as she laid there sleeplessly thinking about those nights when she was afraid to sleep but wished that she could drift on to sleep so that her father would never come. She had thoughts but then again she didn't. She was filled with something but then she was absent of them too. He never woke her up if she was asleep. No matter how desperately he wanted it. Whenever she dung down into her memories like this she shut her eyes and found herself engulfed in her own emptiness. The strange thing was that it comforted her. For a moment she felt alone and that no one could get her but then she realised she used that one singular word. Alone. There was no one coming to get her, whether it was to hurt her or save her. She was all alone and she knew now that there was nothing ever good about that was there? Even the sound of it was ominous.

She wished there was someone she could talk to about this. She couldn't but she wished she could. To just let those words fly from her lips and for them to never return so that she didn't have to be tormented by them for a moment longer. Although once they were out there they were out there. There was no turning back. She felt like talking to an invisible person there. To say it out loud to and would never be able to pass on her secret to anyone else but what would be the point? What would it prove? Nothing. That was the problem. She had to tell it to someone who could tell another person but she had to trust them not to pass it onto anyone else. She felt hot tears roll down her cheeks knowing that she had very little time left. She brushed her fingers against her eyelids and held back to sob in the back of her throat. She felt something slipping away from her which she couldn't describe. Something which was tearing her up from the inside. She didn't know what it was. But it was leaving her and there was nothing she could do about it. She felt like she wanted to scream, howl into the night. She felt like ripping off this fake skin which would show all the wounds and cuts underneath and that she had hidden away for so long and as a result of this had never allowed them to heal. Sadness and loneliness had been her constant companions for so long that she couldn't even feel like she existed any more.

~ (***) ~

She tries not to think about it. She tries but its almost impossible to banish it from her mind every day. There isn't a day that goes by without her thinking about it. Especially when there are so many people now wanting to discuss what had happened to her. She was pretty sure after a few months of silence Xigbar let it slip about the incestuous and abusive relationship she had with her father. She was getting a lot of the pity looks now but they weren't saying anything. After a few weeks of this she decided to tell them as if he hadn't said anything. They looked surprised which is a way it was convincing but she knew. She supposed that came from the fact that she was saying it out loud. It was very different hearing something like that being said out loud by the actual victim rather than hearing it from a colleague. She knew she had to move on but the difficult thing was there were going to be other people to tell and this would continue until she had no one else to tell. People were always going to ask questions and she was always going to have explain which would soon been followed by a period where people would feel they had to be extra sympathetic.

This was why she hadn't told anyone about it up until this point. She was ashamed. People would think less of her or even worse, they would pity her. In some ways she was glad her mother was gone before this all started. This would have destroyed her rather than the cancer. It was always better when she bore this secret alone. People would soon begin to talk behind their hands and peer at her through their fingers. It would be even worse if there was a court battle about the whole thing. Then it would be forever branded on her forehead regardless as to whether she won or not. Then she would always have to explain the moment she said her name and they would know who she was. _The rape victim. _There would be no way for her to be able to shake that one off. She tried to think about other things. She tried to occupy herself with the things which were going in the present rather than what had happened in the past. She tried to think about the next boxing match Xigbar had lined up for her. She tried to remember that Namine had another recital she had to go to next week. She tried to not think about the agonising pain of being so helpless when you were at an age when you really couldn't do anything about that situation. She tried not to think about the fact that he was a man and therefore he had to be something like her father. Not every man was like her father. That was why she allowed so many before Xigbar and after her Father to take it so easily.

At first, she thought that it was her way of washing away but it just made it worse. She always felt like they were chipping at her each time she gave herself to someone. It was that easy for someone to take it from her because she allowed them to make it easier for them to do so. Every single time it was making it harder and harder for her to be healed again. It was meaningless and something she couldn't stop because she wasn't brave enough to make it stop. Sometimes she could hear them laughing outside the closed door after they were done. Boasting about their riches. She would be so drugged up sometimes she could hardly hear them. It reminded her of those dinners she would overhear when her father had a partner come over and he would have this booming laugh which would echo throughout the house. It would almost be as if he hadn't slipped into her room in the dead of night a few days before that dinner. It was why she didn't believe in any of this crap that Xigbar or the therapists were throwing at her. She just couldn't believe that what they were saying could possibly the truth because how could it be? She just couldn't see how there could be any truth in the statement. _It will get better._

"You look like you've got the weight of the world on your shoulders." A familiar voice commented.

She looked over her shoulder and smiled when she saw a familiar redhead walking through the door. She hadn't seen Axel in a while and when she had something like this on her mind she needed someone like him to lighten the mood a little. She needed to talk about it to someone who wasn't a therapist but that left Cordelia who would talk a lot of God-crap to her and there was Namine and the topic of conversation wasn't exactly age appropriate. It was a miracle, if anything that Axel walked through the door. And she didn't even believe in those.

"You could say that." She murmured.

Axel was taking off his coat when he realised. He leaned forward as if he was to kiss her and she looked up blankly wondering what was on his mind as much as he was wondering about what was on hers.

"Want to tell me about it?"

She looked up and slowly tilted her head and sighed as she turned away. She wasn't going to play this game. Not now. He was using his intuition all too quickly and he should have given her more time if he was intending on getting something out of her.

She finally shook her head. "No."

Axel cocked his head to the side. "Let me re-phrase that: Tell me about it."

She raised an eyebrow. "What because I didn't give you the answer you wanted? If I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to talk about." She replied sternly.

"You've been telling you're therapists about it."

She looked up slowly with her eyes widening with shock and gripped onto the arms of her chair. "How do you know that?"

Axel carelessly shrugged his shoulders. "I just know. I can tell when there is something on your mind and when _that _is on your mind. So..."

She scratched her head. She wasn't getting out of this one. "I was just wondering...Whether there was someone out there who is going to be able to deal with this."

He frowned. "What do you mean?"

"I mean...Is there anyone out there who is going to be able to accept what happened and just...accept it. But I can't help but think that isn't possible. No one is ever going to be able to accept that without having to deal with it as well. They're eventually going to forget that I am the victim and mistake themselves for being the victims. When I think about it I feel like I can't breathe. I don't want to breathe any more...because there's no point any more."

Axel blinked. "You even think about killing yourself I will drag you back from the afterlife and kick your ass." He replied firmly.

She threw back her head and laughed. She laughed as if she hadn't done so in a while...which was true. She hadn't.

~ (***) ~

It was strange, this feeling...Larxene walked out the treatment centre feeling as if she had been been a prisoner with a thirty year sentence and had take that first step out those gates. You take in a deep breath and you are filled with so many emotions in an instant. You are filled with the fear of rejection from the world. You are exhausted by the heavy weight of relief that you feel like you can't breathe. You look up at the sky and you feel like you've forgotten what it is and you're wondering how something so large can even exist despite the fact that its been hanging over your head for years while you were being imprisoned by those bars that you never thought you were going to get out of.

"Hey." Said a voice.

Larxene turned her head and saw a girl with chestnut brown, smooth skin which reminded her of peanut butter. She brought the cigarette to her cherry red, perfect lips and saw her honey coloured eyes sparkle with recollection.

"You're that Larxene girl aren't you? The one with the pervy Dad?"

Larxene nodded wordlessly as she searched through her memories for this girls name. She hadn't spoken at the meeting but she had made a comment every now and then. She wondered whether she had even spoken about her experience yet or whether she had been able to get away with not having to tell anyone about it since she was at least able to make a squeak at the meetings rather than drawing attention to herself like Larxene did by sitting there silently.

"Jasmine." She said finally.

"That's me. That's pretty fucked up by the way. Having that happen to you. I know that loads of other people will have said 'I'm sorry that happened to you' and 'It's not your fault' in a more...I don't know soap opera kind of way. I'm saying it face to face to you in a more 'I know how shitty it is for someone to rape you since I've been there' kind of way." She made a scoffing sound and shook her head as she took another drag. "That's the thing with these fucking people. They say all these things to us because that's what they learned in their training but they really...Just don't get it."

Larxene tilted her head and narrowed her eyes as she took this girl in. By now, she would have usually said something but she had been talking for so long today that she had been comfortable, at that moment, with remaining silent. She had never done that before. She was always the one talking and never the one to listen. Recently, she didn't like talking but she knew she had to and this was just an opportunity to keep her mouth shut because she knew she didn't have to say anything. All she had to do was listen to what Jasmine had to say. There was something almost...releasing, freeing about just silently listening, taking it all in, absorbing all those words, letters and syllables she was allowing to fly from her lips. She was going to allow her story to come out naturally, she wasn't going to ask how it happened to her because that wasn't the point of listening. The point of listening was to not have to ask those questions. It was to trust the speaker into trusting you enough to want to tell you the truth about that sort of thing. To know that eventually there will come a right time when they can tell you everything about what happened in those dark corners of their memories, to take you to those places were they rarely ventured to themselves.

Jasmine smirked. "This is the part where you ask me how it happened."

Larxene gave her a little smile and shook her head. "No. This is the part where I just listen."

Jasmine narrowed her eyes and walked towards her as if she was some cunning, silent panther who was about to pounce and devour her.

"Just because you've come to one little meeting and that you have it a little more fucked up than most of us doesn't make you better."

Larxene raised her eyebrow. "Okay...What does it make me then."

Jasmine shook her head. "Honey. This is just the beginning. You're going to go through a temporary period where it's going to be okay. You're going to be able to half deal with what happened to you but then something is going to come back. It's almost like a whisper from an old friend. You could never really rely on them, you could never completely trust them but they never stop bugging you. And if they bug you enough then...you give in."

"So what was your coping mechanism?" Larxene asked, knowing that this was merely a sign of Jasmine beginning to piss her off.

"Mine? Suicide attempts. I've done them all. Hanging. Pills. Cutting my wrists. The works. But someone always finds me in time or...Maybe I don't have it in me. Who knows? What about you?"

"Drinking. Drugs, S-"

"Sex and Rock and Roll?" Jasmine smirked at her almost as if she was ridiculing her. "Well at least you have a little bit of style. I have a little bit of style. I'm almost fucking poetic. It's like we're back in the 60s or 70s. If we were musicians I would be Bob Dylan and you would be...No. You would be Bob Dylan I would be Kurt Cobain. If we were poets I would be Sylvia Plath and you would be Dylan Thomas."

"How fucking poetic."

~ (***) ~

Larxene went out without even telling anyone. She knew she should have done but she just needed to get away from it all. She needed a break. She couldn't handle having to abstain for that much longer. She wasn't allowed drugs to take her far away from her nightmares. She wasn't allowed to express that anger unless she was in a ring. The least they could do was allow her to have this one thing. It wasn't fair. None of them were making it any easier for her and they kept badgering on how they knew it was in her best interests but they didn't know what she really wanted. She highly doubted any of them knew what it was like to be raped. She knew Xigbar was going to kill her but she needed a break from it all. She was willing to deal with the 'consequences'. She couldn't remember the last time she had a drink. The first sip told her that she wasn't going to be able to stop. She had missed that sweet, seductive taste too much. She had given up drugs and she had given up closing herself off from people, yes, but sometimes people needed alcohol in order to drown themselves in temporary happiness as it may be in order to take that all away. Sometimes it better to distract yourself from reality in order to deal with it. She couldn't remember how much she had by this point but she knew it was well past her tenth drink. If fact, she wasn't even thinking about the numbers any more. She was just thinking about how good it all felt.

"Hey." Said a husky voice in her ear.

She glanced over her shoulder shyly and saw some rugged, blonde guy leering at her. He was alright but if she was sober she wouldn't have gone for him and would have the sense to walk away. However she was now drunk enough to not care and to not have that many standards (or to not bother keeping to them at the moment).

"What you drinking?" He asked conversationally.

She looked to her bottle and tried to think about this for a moment. What was she drinking? She had no idea, soon she began to try and answer this question but then this led to a fit of giggles leading him to join in.

"Someone's gotten a little...wasted." He murmured smoothly as he ran a hand up her thigh. Alarm bells began to go off in her head and she pushed him away gently.

"Not that drunk." She slurred.

He raised an eyebrow. "No? Why don't I take you up to my room. Come on, it'll make you feel better."

She shook her head. "No."

"Come on, babe."

"No." She moaned.

Suddenly a fist flew into his face out of nowhere, something which caught Larxene off guard since she hadn't been the one to actually throw the punch. She looked around to see who it was and saw a furious looking redhead standing over him. Axel's bright green eyes were inflamed with anger and looked like he might actually kill the blonde. Larxene had never seen him look like that before and could even feel herself shudder a little.

"Get out of here now. You little-"

The blonde had already got to his feet and ran in the direction of the exit. Larxene was about to call something after him but was too drunk to control her motor functions let alone come up with something witty enough. She felt Axel grab her roughly by the arm and said something about taking her home.

He shook his head. "I just don't get it. I don't get why you keep doing this to yourself. Do you actually get this drunk knowing someone will eventually will take advantage of you? Is that the goal? Because I got to tell you that's messed up."

"You don't know shit." She murmured.

"I know more than you know, Larx and I have to tell you out of all my messed up friends you're...

you're the one who is just...I mean what does it prove? That you're not tainted? That there isn't something wrong with you? That it wasn't just your Dad that wanted to fuck you?" He screamed.

"Maybe its my way of dealing with it."

He nodded. "Dealing. Okay. That's all very well but it doesn't help on the long term does it. You may have told your counsellors but have you told anyone outside of that part of your life? Does even Cordelia know? Because it's one thing to tell them about it but its another thing to tell your friends isn't it? There isn't the guarantee of acceptance and a pity hug. So that's why you resort to this. It's just you running away, Larxene. Not dealing."

~ (***) ~

Larxene stormed into the gym without even looking at Xigbar. She was frustrated beyond words and she just made her even madder and made her want to talk about it less with Xigbar. The whole situation made her want to throw a fist to the wall. It wasn't going to be a productive way of using up her energy but it was going to make her feel better on the short term. That was always the easiest way with dealing with things if it wasn't going to be the most helpful.

"Larxene?"

She threw her head over her shoulder and glared at him. "What?"

"What's wrong?"

She turned away. "Nothing." She muttered.

"Yes there is."

"No. There isn't." She snapped.

"There is you just don't want to tell me about it."

She gripped her bag and continued to stare down at the ground. "You have no idea...Do you? You have no idea about how it feels to be treated like this. I know you were abused by your own father but you have no idea what it feels like to be treated...like a whore. By your own father."

She still kept her eyes cast to the ground. She couldn't look at him right now. Just hearing herself say something like that out loud was ridiculous. She was never the type to make a huge confessional. Whenever there was an argument which she had gotten herself involved in she was never one to back down. Whenever she knew deep down she was the one who did something wrong she never admitted to it. She hated being the one who had to lose. Maybe being a boxer was her ideal job. Right now, she knew she had to face something which she had always been avoiding. It was the truth, what she was saying wasn't what was ridiculous, it was just the act of saying these things out loud. The actual act of admitting to something which you hated more than anything was physically and mentally painful. There was nothing worse than someone saying something like this out loud. Whenever she thought about it she wanted to vomit. The world was spinning around her so fast that she couldn't keep up. She wasn't sure what was going on any more because for so long she had kept quiet about it. It made them vulnerable and as Xigbar always told her there was nothing worse than making yourself vulnerable in the ring. It just welcomed the world into those things she kept hidden from clear view.

"No I don't. I wish I could tell you what you needed to hear, Larxene. It would help if you could tell me though...I can't help unless I know what I need to help you with."

"I- I feel like I can't breathe. Every time I think about him...Every time I hear someone talking about him it all comes flooding back to me. When they talk about him, about something else about him without knowing that other side it just makes me think about it. It makes me sick every time I think about how he looked at me, how he touched me. I loved him more than anything when I was a kid...Before Mom died everything was fine and it makes me wonder why...Why did I think about him in that way. Why did I let him think that...I trusted him. He thought that it was love."

He took her hand and sat her down. "Of course it wasn't. There was no excuse for the way he dealt with his grief either. But we're not here to make excuses for his actions are we?"

"You know, whenever I think about him. I go in the shower, even when I'd already done so that day or if I don't need to. I wash myself as if I was washing away the dirt that wasn't there. I was trying to...wash it all away but no matter how many times I do it I can't get rid of it can I?"

He shook his head. "No...Then again you could turn that around if you did something about it. I know its hard. I can only imagine that it can be hard but many other people have got through it and from what I hear you've got a great group of friends. If you come clean to some of them you know you can depend on I bet that can help. There's nothing worse than having something like this to deal with on your own."

~ (***) ~

Secrets were hard to keep. Secrets were bad news, period. Humanity was better off without them but unfortunately because people did bad things secrets had become necessary. They were the only way they could cover their tracks. It still didn't mean secrets justified their actions. Especially the ones where you knew that is was better for you to actually not keep them. But when you were nine years old when you were told by someone to keep a secret you knew you had to keep that secret no matter bad it was and no matter how much something inside you was telling you that what that other person was doing to you was wrong. It was really difficult to tell right from wrong at that age. Everyone said that a child knew it better than an adult but with the situation it was more complex. Morality to a child is like a chess board. It was black and white. She was glad that she didn't have to keep secrets any longer and she had no intention of doing so ever again. She watched people who were unbelievably honest and saw how free they were. There was nothing to regret and there was nothing they had to lose because they had already put their cards on the table.

She told no one until this point because she had no idea whether anyone would give a shit. Now that she knew that they cared before they even knew the truth she knew that she was in a safe place now. She didn't know whether her life would get any easier or better if she came out about it. She asked Axel what it was like when he came out to his parents but then was quickly reminded that her situation was completely different and her family were much more relaxed than his own. This told her that it didn't go well but then again he was right. Her situation was completely different. When she told everyone about it she felt relief. There was of course the look of shock on all their faces and the expected dozen questions at once being fired at her but with Xigbar there by her side, his hand resting on her shoulder made her feel like she was going to be able to face anything because she knew she wasn't alone. She was afraid because of all the pride her father had taken from her and in turn if she told anyone about it then they would take her pride from her all over again. But now that her friends and family knew about it, or the people who knew about it knew now it was easier to live with. She knew now that she had learned her lessons about keeping secrets now. She knew promises were best made when you were fully aware of the secrets you were keeping since some can actually kill you from the inside until there was nothing left.


End file.
